Well…here we are! 0545 on moving day. Everything, and I mean everything is packed (I swear I put some clean socks SOMEWHERE!!!!??). I even got so carried away that I dismantled bed yesterday, then remembered we still need to sleep one more night :s yay for a camp out in the living room!
Here’s the thing: I woke up this morning expecting to be so excited and found myself instead feeling anxious and nervous and sad, while also feeling so glad that FINALLY today is here.
I am anxious about time frames not adding up ( moving company Moving your stuff + OCD me: perhaps not the best mix).
I feel sad because, well….i am about to move out of my childhood home (again…i promise not to come back with another kid neighbourhood! This time its real!) and leaving the safety of Daddy’s home is a little harder that I anticipated. He has been my rock (and often a huge pain in my ass as I am positive I have been for him!) but none the less…he’s been there for me always. When I fell, he picked me up. I promise daddy, I am not going to fall again. I actually listened this time and thought with my head before my heart. We are going to be ok! This is the last name on the rusty shed shovel…good thing cause we ate running out of room!
But why am I nervous? Not because I am scared. Not at all. I think it’s because we are making/have made a huge decision to make this move, with no regrets please don’t think that, and now we have to all learn to play nicely and share our toys and get along and move together in sync….there is no going home when I get cranky. (I get very cranky…I am an ass!) We both have to learn to bend just a little and be flexible in areas of our lives that up until now didn’t matter. Essentially, I have to learn that life doesn’t need to be scheduled to the very minute anymore because its not just me, I have someone to lean on now….someone is is willing and able and wanting to be there for me. WHOA! That’s weird!! I have to learn to CALM THE HECK DOWN MISS. WILSON!!! Who knows? Maybe I might get to sit and see and enjoy a few sunsets and be great full for the beauty they hold, instead of cursing the days end for coming too quickly when there is still so much left to do. He needs to learn that when there is more than just you to worry about you have to learn to make plan and a schedule sometime to make things happen as they should…not always, just sometimes for somethings. The kids need to learn…or maybe just be reminded since it has been forever…well actually it has been never, that family means forever. Family is there for you through good times and bad. Family doesn’t walk away or give up when things get rough…they try harder. When someone says “I need a break…just give my some space” it doesn’t mean the end, that’s it! I am done…it just means we need a second. To breathe, to think, to take sometime to evaluate the situation and figure out how to make it work. We don’t run away, we don’t give up because its easier. we play nice and share the sandbox (and the bathroom jason!!) and work as a team. this is not a game of tug of war…we are all on the same team now. They need to know that Ohana means family; and family is forever after all!
We can do this, I know we can. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger right? So here we go! Hold on to you hats Wilson/Cooper/Gateman family the ride has just begun! It might be bumpy and scary and move too quickly at times, but I promise you my loves…it’s going to be worth it.
Happy first day of forever! I love you all to the moon and back xox
How do you say goodbye without actually saying goodbye?
I can’t do it. It’s too hard. I am scared and sad…almost to the point of devastation about what is about to transpire. I just got you here and now the time has come for you to go. I know…you told me from the start this would have to happen and I said I could handle it. But then again; so did you! We aren’t handling this very well at all are we? This is actually rather nuts!! How the hell did this all get so crazy insane all at once? Moving two houses into one on the same day you book it for good ol’ Boca Raton?? (btw fuuuuuck you and your “warm climate” sir!) Making a “family” from the mess I created and expecting it to be all easy peasy lemon squeezy – no fuss no muss? And our jobs…JESUS! Way to go us! We have two of the most stressful careers out there and yet we expect that the timelines and “workdays” (that often run into evenings, overnights and weekends) would be able to coincide in peace! HA that is hilarious What the eff is wrong with us?? What were we thinking??Oh. Riiiight. Love. THATS the ticket right there. I love you. You love me. My kids??? Kinda obvious they love you too and they know you love them right back just as hard as just as forever. I guess thats why we do this. Thats why this is going to work out and be ok. It’s gonna be rough. I am not going to lie and pretend I am not more than a little cheesed about having to be the forman in this shit show thats going down this weekend…but I can do it. I just don’t want to! (poor me right? )I also gotta say that I know baby…while I sit here and complain about the things I have to do, I know that it’s not easy at all for you either. You are the one that has to leave us. You have to be away…I have to change my address and make breakfast in a different kitchen (a FABULOUS kitchen by the way…seriously….its kicks ass!) but you have to go. You have to give up your perfection of peace and tranquility in the country and move because of us and our/my need for space and privacy (and also no dusty creepy crawly stingyness) You have to live out of suitcases and bags for an obscene amount of time because of your job…which you are simply amazing at. You have to be away from us and miss out on the giggley snuggles from a certain little Lamb. You will miss out on helping a certain young fella deal with life for a bit, which you have done such a wonderful job at. He wants to make you proud! You won’t get to see the Gateman/Wilson Circus Extravaganza preform everyday when sometimes thats the only thing we have to smile about. You have to come home to a place thats not yours that we will have made our mark on (I promise no peeing on the floor!) and then fit in around us. Please don’t be scared. Its going to be ok. Honestly truly sir…there is no longer an “us” without you. Home won’t happen until you are back here with us. All our bags are packed (almost) and we’re ready to go baby. We will be waiting right here when you get back. So no good-bye okay? Only see you soon and talk to you sooner. A quick hug…with as few tears as possible. The quicker we do it the quicker it will be over. Just remember Jay, I love you sir, more than you could ever imagine….forever and a day.
love always,
robyn <3 xoxo
Well slap my face and call me….
Actually don’t slap me, that’s not very nice at all. Hands are for helping not for hurting after all! So anyway…I suppose it is within the “laws” of journalism and blogging and writing to admit when you make a mistake and publish a retraction of said incorrect statement. SO I kinda sorta owe all y’all a wee bit of an apology. Somewhere buried within the depths of this blog I said things like “NEVER AGAIN” and “single forever is fine with me” and my favorite …”if I am alone ,the only one who can hurt me is ME”. So, I wish to take this moment to retract all the fore-mentioned statements that I will attribute to being hurt and scared and bitter (who me?? hard to believe I know!). The things is…quite simply: I was wrong. Looking back, as we all must do from time to time in life if for no other reason than to gauge our place in life, I was basing those emotions on the way I allowed myself to perceive what I thought a relationship was, instead of what one SHOULD be. The fuck Robyn…seriously!!! I mean somewhere in my head I knew that there was no way that the way shit went down for “past me”, was “normal” by any standard. If it was then everyone would be single….even the lobsters (they mate for life don’t cha know!). What I didn’t know however, was that finding that “someone”, finding your very own “extraordinary” and knowing right away – straight up, that yea…I am gonna marry this boy someday, is not scary. It’s not scary at all..in fact the feeling is quite peaceful and exhilarating (thanks yo!) . All of a sudden “future you” tells “past” you not to worry anymore. She’s all “Bitch…relax! I totally got this! you can sit down now!” and then past you gets all moody and goes to sit in a corner and starts singing songs about eating worms cause she can’t tell present you what to do anymore, and present you is all THANK GOD cause you kinda sorta (totally) HATE past you cause she is such a fucking Debbie Downer all the time. I guess what I am saying is this: When we, as a species, get hurt we do whatever we can to protect ourselves from getting hurt again (hot stove..you’ll only touch it once kinda thing). We build up walls and defences to keep anything out that might cause that hurt to resurface ever again. Behind those walls though, you have to take time to reflect and to learn from the choices you make (please don’t call them mistakes! thats something else I have learned…there are no mistakes only opportunities to learn), you have to take time to take a mental inventory of what you have in your life thats most important and what it is that you need to make the rest of your life…the best of your life. Then you HAVE to…no matter how hard it is…take those walls down. Go slow…(baby steps are very much fine here) But take them down. Trust yourself. When you can do that; trusting others again is not that hard. Open your heart to those around you…accept their hugs and advise and cups of tea and bottles of wine. Accept their compliments …if your best friend tells you you are pretty she means it (by the way…I think you’re very pretty!!). Above all you have to trust that some where out there everyone has a someone and somehow, someday you will meet and the world will never be the same again…for anyone! The past month and half (I know…6 weeks is so not very long but trust me…or don’t I guess I really don’t care!) has been crazy and amazing and scary at times (but that’s ok!). I feel a peace in my heart that I have never felt before. I used to think I was missing a piece of my heart…that when I sent a certain someone packing that I must have let him take a piece of me with him. Turns out, I was wrong there too…he never actually had any part of me ever. It turns out, that no one can actually take something from you they don’t deserve. It turns out… my heart was whole and intact this entire time and all it took to realize it was a note from a boy, asking a girl on a date like it was the first time for them both. I have said it before and I will say it a million times more…Life is funny sometimes. I guess you just have to choose whether to let it laugh at you or laugh with you. I choose the latter….because fuck you, I’m a unicorn! Thats why!. Happily Sometimes After?? I think the answer is clear. <3
It’s open letter time again y’all!
Ahem. This on goes out to the girl (as in child, as in not yet mature enough to understand the delicate and impressionable mind of my beautiful daughter, as in need to grow the hell up right the fuck now) who thought it would be apropos to insinuate to MY CHILD that I AM COPYING EVERYTHING YOU DO.
First, allow me to start off by giving you my dear the slowest motherfucking clap I can. Congratulations on being so conceited that you actually think that someone like me would give a shit about someone like you. And not just that- you somehow think I aspire to be just like you!! (Sorry, I was sick the day they taught stupid whore in school! My bad!)
Second, let me explain this to you. Your mistake, in case you don’t know, was saying something so horribly rude in the presence of my kid that she felt she had to tell me the minute she saw me (which happened to be in the hallway of her school) For the record, I don’t actually give a flying fuck WHAT you think of me (I don’t actually care what anyone thinks of me….Self esteem, I have it!). But you have no right whatsoever to ever, under any circumstance put me down or insult me in anyway within ear shot of my child. Perhaps your own parents were so in awe at the stupidness they created the day the drug store was closed that they forgot to teach you that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Take a page from my book: Bite your tongue, smile, say “mmhmm, thats nice dear” and change the subject.
My number one job in this world is, and always will be to lift my children up, not beat them down. Make them feel good about themselves and lives they have. Teach them to have good self esteem and make good choices. Do you honestly think that saying what you do to her is helping her to be that way? Do think when she looks back on her life and has to remember the day that you told her that, she is going to somehow laugh? Do you think that makes her like you better? Do you think what you actually said was true? Are you that delusional? Seriously…What the fuck is wrong with you? Who ever told that you were the most speshul little snowflake in the whole wide world…lied to your ass. You my dear are just like the rest of us. You are obligated as a human being to treat each and every person on the planet with the courtesy, dignity and respect that you expect to receive back.
Therefore, you may not walk around with your nose in the air acting and thinking your shit doesn’t smell and you can behave anyway you so choose. You may NOT spend all your free time (how do you have so much of it??) Googling me, attempting to look at my Facebook page, looking at my Twitter feed, flipping through my Pinterest account (especially on a computer you let my daughter use, especially when her dad goes to use it and then finds my name all throughout the search history) all so you can know every detail of my life – which has nothing, I repeat NOTHING to do with you. You may not say anything ,to anyone ever, about my personal life or relationships, because once again, they have NOTHING to with you. You may NOT EVER EVER EVER insinuate, elude to or state to ANYONE. EVER again, that you are a better parent than I am. You are NOT a parent. You are NOT a Step-Parent. Those terms are reserved for people capable of caring and loving unconditionally without prejudice. For every action there is a reaction (mine is not good). For every error there is a consequence (and this one will, unfortunately, not affect you directly, but I assure you the indirect action will…shit rolls down hill after all.). You poked an very protective angry bear in the middle of a very nice winter nap. May the gods who thought placing you on this earth for a joke have mercy on your cold, dark, uncaring, uneducated, selfish, dishonest soul.
Love always,
Me and my imaginary made up boyfriend and future that is going to blow your fake life out of this water…. 
)
PS: Don’t poke the bear…she bites back. My life is perfect and wonderful and full of love and kindness and sweetness and sunshine and fucking rainbows and log cabins on the water with porch swings (please baby??) and fireplaces and flowers and GODDAMN PURPLE UNICORNS!!. I don’t have time or patience to deal with this bs anymore. So kindly fuck off.
I’m hooked on a feeling….
Well several feelings actually. Those being: 1) The itchiness of a healing nose ring. Not pleasant(by the way, if you ever want to know what a punch in the face feels like…get your nose pierced ) . 2) The awful feeling of my super dry hands from obsessive use of hand sanitizer and Lysol Cleaning Wipes: annoying. 3) The snugly feeling from my puppy sleeping beside me on the couch: so cute! and 4) this ridiculous/awkward/giddy feeling in the pit of my stomach I have right now and have since I got home last night…well early this morning anyway that I don’t want to stop feeling. Like ever (ohhh channeling a little T-Swift there!) .
Listen first dates are ALWAYS supposed to be uncomfortable. No matter what they just are…no matter how you meet or how long you have known each other the first time you force yourself into a situation where it’s just the two of you…one on one with no one else to jump in and force conversation or add distraction: AWKWARDNESS can and will happen. But what do you do when the awkward silences you anticipate just don’t happen? How do you react when you are expecting awkward, but instead get this amazing feeling of comfort; like you have known this person for years rather than only weeks? When this person is everything you wished for…polite, kind, caring, chivalrous (oh ya…doors were held, flowers were given, compliments that made me blush like a retard were said), smart, creative, well spoken and so so many more things…what does that mean? Is hell freezing over? I am being punked right now? Like did someone read my thoughts and my 14-year-old self’s diary and pay this person to act just perfect to trick me?? OR is it just that what everyone has been saying to me forever is true: It will happen for you too. There is someone out there for everyone. Everyone has a “person” and somehow, somewhere you will meet. But I guess once you do, it’s up to you to do the rest. I just hope I know what to do :s
Hold on to your horses everyone…we’re either in for a bumpy ride or a smooth sail here. I just hope I remembered to bring my life jacket because I am not sure I remember how to swim but I’m not going down without a fight )
Shaky hands and sleepy eyes took this picture! My beautiful flowers in their place of honor…on my desk! Thanks J! Here’s to the start of “something” xo <3 Laters HA!
Life is funny sometimes
Just when you think hey! Things are actually great for a change…Murphy’s Law comes along and gives you a high five!..in the face…with an aligator. 2012 ended for me as badly as it possibly could. One of the most beautiful souls that ever ever graced this earth was taken from us because of a horrible, preventable catastrophe (I REFUSE to call it an accident). I can’t even begin to understand that. My family has been ripped into pieces and shreds yet again by divorce…for reals, two of my siblings are going through it right now….and my heart is broken into pieces. It kills me to see this…it’s September 2007 all over again and I again can’t understand why. Seriously…why? What’s the point? This all happened literally the last week of 2012. We all spent New Years Eve waiting for the year to end so we could try and move on and forget it rather that celebrating it like everyone else. Midnight came and went but the sad stuff stayed. Damn it. I am so glad my family has it together enough to be able to be there for each other. We are a united front: always have and always will be. Distance seems to mean nothing to us when crisis mode kicks in. I don’t know where I would be today if it weren’t for them and I only hope that I have been able to offer them the same support, love and good advise they give to me everyday. I love my family more than life itself. After all, what would life be without the love from your family: blood or by choice, life is love and love is life.
Having lived through what I have (and I say lived in the literal sense because if there ever was a chance I might give up and let go that was it) I can look back now and see the errors in judgement I made in my past relationships. I can also see clearly the lessons I have learned. I can see the pain and fear my family went through watching me self destruct. I can see the friendships I lost because of the choices I made listening to my heart instead of my head. I pray each night for the courage, strength and wisdom( the tattoo on my left shoulder is there for a reason) I need to carry on in this life and not make those mistakes again. When my little angel comes home sad and hurt by the way her other parent is choosing to live his life, and allows himself to be treated as well as how he treats his family: I hold back the tears to appear to be strong and explain to her that in this world some people just don’t think they deserve love so they can’t give it out easily. Ignorance is self defence sometimes. I beg that she learns from me to accept the love that people give you and let it make you stronger. Let it make you feel whole and safe. Take life’s moments as they come: don’t crystal ball the future and try and force life to be what it won’t. Life is short and can be taken away without warning, so enjoy each and every moment, even the ones that cause pain. Believe that what happens happens for a reason and don’t waste time trying to figure out what the reason is. Take from each moment a lesson and then let it go. Tear down the walls that you build for protection: but only when you are ready, not when you are lonely. Lonely and ready are after all two completely different things. Trust me, when you’re ready you will know.
Life is funny sometimes. Just when you think “Hey! things are actually going great for a change!” someone amazing sends you the most kick ass “mix tape” of the century then asks you out via blog post…check yes? or no?. Life IS funny. It’s sad and scary and dangerous and moves by too fast and hurts you when you need it to help you. Life can also be beautiful….you just have to see the beauty hidden in the places you least expect.
Cleaning out my life….and admitting my problem.
SO I read a post (on Pinterest of course!) about how to “clean out your life by cleaning out your house” Basically, you commit to getting rid of one bag of “stuff” a week for 40 weeks. Get rid meaning toss or donate. I have been at this for a few months now and I have to say following this regime truly has “lightened things up” a bit around here. I started in the most obviously “in need” areas of the house: The play room, the kids room, the laundry room, the “junk drawers (yes, I said drawers…bah!) in the kitchen and on and on. I had trouble at first deciding what to keep and what not to keep.But let me tell you ,after wasting a few precious hours of my weekend debating over the merits of keeping a basket full of teddy bears that were given to us second hand by I can’t even remember who, just because Ryleigh was so cute when she was that age, I LOST it!! I legit got pissed off at myself for beng so hoarder-esc and started chucking things out left right and centre! My mantra became “If I haven’t seen you play with it, wear it, use it or read it in the last 2 months, it was GONE! I have donated pretty much an entire kitchen full of dishes and stuff to a local company that donates “stuff” to families in need (not for profit of course!) I sold basket upon basket of kids clothing via facebook (then used the money to re-new their wardrobes…I am not selfish!) I sadly though probably took a day or two of of the viability of our earth with the amount of just plain crap that has been lying around this house since Jesus lived here that I threw in the trash! I still have some work to do, and honestly to look at the place you can’t even tell, but the fact that the closets are tidy and orderly again, the drawers are clean and I am no longer afraid to stick my hand for fear if requiring a tetanus booster afterwards life certainly seems that much easier…which is after all exactly what the doctor ordered!
OK….my admission now. I have a shoe problem of sorts. AS in I own many pairs of shoes. So many in fact I can’t tell you off hand the number…I would guess around 25 (or 30). My mantra did not nor will it ever apply to shoes. I would also say its safe to assume that at least 7 …probably more like 10, of those are running shoes (and one look at my ass it’s plain to see I don’t run anywhere but to the store for more cake!) So ya. The reason I feel the need to share this RIGHT now is that I opened my big yap trying to prove a point (seriously dude…you just HAD to write more than me?? LOL ) and now I have this insane urge to find all my shoes (ya, I have them all over the place since there is no one spot big enough to keep them) and count them and line them up…so now you know what I will be doing tonight! (My life is AWESOME!! )
And I just have to say..I started posting again after a little break, on a dare or a bet or whatever…and it really feels great! I have missed this. Even if I am writing about nothing at all…the process of sitting and just writing is just the escape I seem to need. Life is great but crazy as ever, and being reminded of the great feeling that comes with each post was the best gift I have received in awhile. So thank you. And here’s to hoping that this post war is the start of something great!I think this crazy world just may have thrown something pretty great at my head! Funny that! Later(s) ) <—
Cheers )
